5 Signs That I Became Too American (According to My European Husband)
Tipping obsession and other sins
After nearly 20 years of living in the U.S., I realized that my European childhood seemed to have been wiped out by my new, American, habits. My blue passport might speak to my new identity, but my new habits speak even louder, as my Danish husband recently pointed out.
He noticed I switched back and forth between my European and American selves whenever it suited me and without noticing it. Perhaps, in America, more so than anywhere else in the world, you can be both. Wherever you’re from, you can belong by simply being here long enough.
Here are a few things that make me (too) American in the eyes of my European husband.
1. I feel like I have to tip everywhere (and feel guilty when I don’t)
The European in me thinks the tipping system in America is ridiculous, especially when I’m asked to tip for a cup of a take-out coffee. The American in me dutifully tips (I draw the line at take-out coffee though) and feels anxious about it all the time.
After 15 years, I still can’t figure out where and how much to tip. When in doubt, I just do it. Last week, I felt so guilty for forgetting to tip a hairdresser (for a bad haircut) I considered texting her to apologize. It shouldn’t be that difficult.
When in Europe, I dial back on tipping, as most Europeans do. And even when it’s not expected, I still feel guilty for not leaving anything. And that, to my husband, is a very American thing (I wrote about his confusion with tipping here).
2. I overestimate Starbucks
Surely, there’s better coffee out there, especially in Europe. And still, I can rarely ignore a Starbucks when I see one, home or abroad.
All because, according to my husband, I’m so brainwashed by America into liking the chain, I don’t think twice about it. Even my teenage step-daughter from Denmark, now living in the U.S., likes to “get Starbucks” (which for her is just lemonade). When I first heard her say that, I understood she too was becoming an American.
There’s no substitute for “getting Starbucks” in Europe. The English habit of “hitting the pub” comes closest. Yet it carries a larger cultural significance of social bonding for the Brits. Wasting five dollars a day at Starbucks carries hardly any significance at all.
3. Sometimes, I talk too loudly
Surely, not all Americans talk loudly, but if you observe long enough, you’ll notice that many do, especially in public. I wrote about my husband’s reaction to this discovery here. He even wondered if talking loudly was something they taught children in schools in the U.S. (loud = important?).
Sadly, a loud American on a European vacation has become a cliche. I once rode a Downton Abbey double-decker tour bus in the U.K. with a group of English people and one American family. That one small group managed to create enough noise to terrorize the entire bus, oblivious to the quietness around them. I’ll never forget the silent eye rolls and scandalized whispers of the Englishmen next to me (“Americans” was their conclusion). I sank deeper into my seat, embarrassed for this clueless family.
My husband noticed that, when in Europe, I’m careful to talk quietly and respectfully, like the locals. Unless I’m upset about something. And when that happens, the American in me comes out, and my voice gets louder by the minute. As my blood boils, I think to myself: “I can talk as loudly as I want. That’s how we do it back home!” Yikes. When my emotions cool down, I snap back to my European-childhood self.
It’s as if being an American is both a shield and an excuse. This way of thinking is definitely something I picked up somehow somewhere in the U.S.
4. I call any painkiller Advil
15 years ago, I had a headache at work. When I told my co-worker, he quickly answered: “Just take an Advil.” I didn’t know what it was but I shrugged and went to the corner store to get a single packet of it. It worked wonders. Ever since, whenever I had pain, I asked for “Advil,” even when it just meant “Ibuprofen.” I never thought about it twice, until a pharmacist in Europe told me he had no idea what I was talking about.
As my husband noticed, we Americans like to use brand names in substitution for the actual product or even an action. While everyone else makes copies, we “Xerox.” While everyone else uses a lip balm, we use “Chapstick.” They apply plasters to their wounds, and we prefer “Band-Aid.” I switch back when I travel abroad, but only reluctantly.
“Is Chapstick even that good of a brand?” my husband wondered. I laughed and said that it wasn’t. “I don’t get it,” he concluded.
5. I smile for no reason and expect smiles in return
Since moving to the U.S., I became one of those people who smile and say “Hello” for no reason. Yet when in Europe, I’m reminded that it’s not a quality I was born with. Growing up in post-Soviet Russia meant keeping your smiles and your Hellos to yourself. Traveling in Western Europe often means dispersing them carefully, when an occasion calls for it.
The truth is, a stranger’s smile or a spontaneous small talk exchange can make my day, especially if it’s a bad one. I’m not sure if Americans are just so damn friendly, or if compulsive smiling is a defense mechanism of sorts. My husband is not big on smiling for no reason, but he doesn’t freak out anymore when others do.
I’m still confused about what makes me, or anyone, an American, but these little habits are certainly a sign that I’ve been here long enough. Now if only my European husband could join in on the fun!
I'm guilty of bewildering a young waitress at a local beer garden in Vienna, by leaving a tip as I paid our bill. Americans are clueless in that regard. However I do tend to over-tip when dealing with service providers that are poorly paid in hard jobs. Examples are an Uber driver who lost his chef job during COVID, and is struggling to support a family by driving. Or a hair stylist, sporting obvious signs of domestic abuse and working in pain. There are lots of people in the world who are struggling every day just to get by. I can't fix our broken system, but a generous tip can make one day a little easier for someone.