Tough Questions My Danish Stepdaughters Asked Me About Life in the U.S.
Why can't we swim in the river?
Three and a half years ago, my two pre-teenage stepdaughters left their home in Denmark and moved to the U.S., high on American sitcoms and craving an adventure.
Since then, they’ve changed cities, neighborhoods, and schools. They’ve lived through COVID-19 and Zoom classes. They’ve outgrown Friends and their life in America became grounded in reality. It took us a year and a half before we found the neighborhood, school, and a group of friends my step-daughters were happy with.
They describe our new city — Santa Monica, CA — and their new school as “the most similar to Denmark,” which makes them happy. Their home country has been voted the Second Happiest Place on Earth — a description my step-daughters used to roll their eyes at, until recently. These days, they often think and talk about what makes some people happier than others.
Here are just a few questions my stepdaughters asked me about life in America.
What is “No trespassing” and why is it everywhere?
My older stepdaughter and I took many walks around our neighborhood in Los Angeles. She noticed “No trespassing” signs, along with many others, posted all around. “What is trespassing?” she asked me. Unsatisfied with my explanation, she probed.
“Why do they have to put up a sign for that? Can’t people see it’s someone else’s house?”
It made me wonder. Why are we so explicit about obvious things in America?
“It just makes the neighborhood look so unfriendly,” my stepdaughter continued.
I agreed with her.
“I would never want to be friends with someone who has a sign like that in their front yard,” she concluded.
I chuckled at her black-and-white thinking, but I liked the point she was making. In Denmark, seeing a “No trespassing,” “Stay off grass,” “No poop,” or any such sign, would be seen as a sign of hostility towards your neighbors. It also ruins the “coziness” (Hygge) Danish people are so obsessed with.
Can’t we drop the hostility and use common sense and courtesy instead?
Why can’t we play by the river?
My 13-year-old stepdaughter attended a sleepaway camp in the mountains, with a small river flowing through its territory. She naturally ran towards the river to play, only to be stopped by her counselor. It turned out that in order to play by the six inches-high flowing water, she needed permission from the counselor as well as their company.
“What’s the point of the camp then?” she wondered.
Later, she also found out that the campers had to sit in their cabins during the unexpected rain that lasted two days. She was disappointed.
Denmark is famous for its nature-driven early childhood education and forest schools. Nature, no matter how cold, wet, or dangerous, plays a big part in a Danish child’s upbringing.
My stepdaughter’s sleepaway camp back home had a long packing list that included all sorts of weather-proof gear. Taking midnight forest walks in the pouring rain was not uncommon. And playing independently in the woods, by the river (or anywhere a child desires) was encouraged.
Since their early years, children in Denmark are taught to take risks to sharpen their decision-making abilities. As a result, not only do they learn personal responsibility but they learn to immerse themselves in nature and all its wonders. Sadly, in litigious America, my step-daughter will never climb a tree again, or fall from one, unless it’s in her own backyard.
Why are there so many fences?
I’ll never get tired of writing about this one. Both of my step-daughters were surprised to notice something I never noticed myself: in America, we love our fences. It all started when the youngest joined her well-ranked middle school in Brooklyn.
On her first day, she came home complaining: “My school looks like a prison!” I didn’t know what she was talking about.
“There’s an ugly metal fence all around the building. It’s like we’re in jail.”
What to me, and any American, seemed like an obvious solution, to a Danish child seemed crazy.
Since then, we’ve been noticing fences, or a lack of them, all around. The older stepdaughter suggested that if they had to have so many fences everywhere, why not decorate them? In Denmark, a lot of importance is placed on the way things and buildings look and how it affects our well-being. Staring at an ugly metal fence would certainly be seen as “uncozy.”
Even in a small mountain town we recently visited, metal fences surrounded almost every property, taking away from a beautiful setting. In our own nice neighborhood, my step-daughter’s window, sadly, overlooks such a fence (it “protects” the gas meters). When we moved in, she sighed and asked for fake ivy, which we then hung all over it.
If we do, indeed, need all these fences to protect us, can’t we at least make the slightest effort to make them look less scary? While a fence or two may not seem like a big deal, if you see enough of them, you’ll feel uneasy, whether you notice it or not.
Do we really need all these walls to contain us in America?
What is fax?
We were registering my stepdaughter for her camp when, after having to mail out a check — an archaism of its own — we were asked to send a fax, too. “What is fax?” she asked. Exactly. My husband had to Google it.
For technologically advanced Denmark, fax is an ancient technology, and I couldn’t explain why in 2023 America it was still considered a relevant and reliable source of communication. It doesn’t take a Dane to tell you it’s backward thinking. The same goes for writing checks, buying money orders, and relying on mail to send out important forms.
Why aren’t doctors free?
My step-kids have seen a fair share of doctors since arriving in the U.S., all to sort out their vaccines. At their first visit, my youngest stepdaughter looked at me and asked: “Why aren’t these doctors free?” She wasn’t being Danish and spoiled by the free European healthcare. She was being genuinely curious:
“Isn’t health, like, the most basic thing? Shouldn’t they give it to people for free?”
I couldn’t come up with a positive twist on this one. Health is, indeed, the most basic thing and it should be free in a civilized society.
Adults can make all sorts of excuses. But children will ask you and tell you how it is. Maybe we should listen to them more often.
Most of these questions have a one-word answer: lawyers. Your young ladies have grown up in a world where "common sense" is indeed common. Respect for others is paramount. Not so much here. Law is used as a source of income, and as a weapon. For example, say you have an orchard. Someone enters it to get an apple, but falls out of the tree and is seriously hurt. If you did not have a "No trespassing" sign you will almost certainly be sued for a very large sum of money. It's your fault because lack of a sign obviously means the land is public and the fruit is free. This is also the answer to another question they haven't asked yet: Why does a hair dryer have a tag that says it should not be used in the bath? In this country every accident or crisis ends in a lawsuit. And every lawsuit results in lawyers getting a huge payout.