Unsolicited Parenting Advice From My Danish Husband
A secret to Scandinavian happiness is in happy childhoods
Childhood in Scandinavia is a serious business and an investment that Scandinavian governments, and citizens, take seriously. After all, the secret to a happy adulthood is a happy childhood.
No wonder these Northern European countries top the list of the world’s happiest nations year after year.
My husband moved from Denmark to the U.S. with two daughters and managed to have yet another one here. So he knows a thing or two about parenting in both Scandinavia and the United States.
Here are just a few words of (unsolicited) advice he wants to pass on to parents in America.
Let kids take risks
My Danish husband and I were walking through Brooklyn’s Prospect Park three years ago when we noticed a boy of around five years old leaning over a rail of a small bridge in curiosity.
Neither of us paid much attention until we noticed a woman who suddenly stopped and stood frozen, eyeing the boy and nervously. She was getting agitated, looking around for the boy’s parents. Luckily, a busy-with-two-other-kids mother reappeared quickly.
The stranger lady held her tongue and walked away, shaking her head. Not only was she a neurotic New Yorker, but also a fear-driven American, to whom a child exploring alone in the park, even if for a minute, is a dangerous game.
While I wasn’t surprised at the scene at all, my husband was perplexed. He said that such a thing would never happen in Denmark where parents trust their kids to be careful.
That’s because Danish children are encouraged to take risks from an early age which builds up their critical thinking and risk assessment skills. So you have kids who are more resilient and don’t need to be micro-managed. Playing with saws and hammers, making fire, or climbing trees with minimum interference are all perfectly normal child activities in Denmark. Danish forest schools, in particular, are famous for risk-taking.
While, certainly, no one wants to see their child get hurt, fear-driven parenting, so common in the U.S., is not always the best solution to keeping our kids safe.
“Micromanaging can only help so far,” my husband comments.
“You must teach kids common sense and trust them to do the right thing. That’s the real investment in their future,” he concludes.
Buy your kid a bike
When I think of my childhood, I remember occasional bike rides as some of my happiest and most adventurous moments.
Now, imagine a childhood of biking every day, everywhere.
One of the things that struck me the most upon my arrival in Denmark’s capital was the number of bicycles in the streets. No one in Copenhagen seemed to be without a bike, including children. The youngest ones were pedaled around by their parents, the rest biked on their own along the city’s many bike roads and paths.
Since cycling is a big part of Danish culture, children are taught to ride at an early age and biking lessons and exams are a part of the school curriculum. Due to fantastically developed cycling infrastructure, riding a bike in Denmark is stress and danger-free, making it the healthiest, and happiest, way to commute. Even in Copenhagen, children of all ages use bicycles to get to their schools, arriving rosy-cheeked and energized.
Unfortunately, commuting by bike is not a safe option for most children, or even adults, in the U.S., especially those living in the cities.
Yet it’s still possible to incorporate cycling into kids’ lives by seeking out safe and accessible routes, even if only on weekends.
“A childhood without a bike is not a childhood,” my husband concludes.
Take down the fences
When my ten-year-old stepdaughter joined a (well-ranked) public school in Brooklyn, she asked me why schools in New York looked like jails. I got defensive, but I knew what she meant. Bleak corridors, colorless rooms, barred windows, lack of fresh air, metal fences around the building — nothing about her school was “cozy,” the word so loved in her home country.
Back in Denmark, famous for its architecture, my step-daughters’ public school looked like a building out of a design magazine. It wasn’t a repurposed structure but a well-thought-through environment. It reflected the Danish belief that growing up, especially for younger kids, is not about academic success but about playing, exploring, taking risks and connecting with the outdoors.
Likewise, Danish playgrounds are world-famous and known for their unique and creative designs. Everywhere you look, children’s environment in Denmark is given a lot of thought.
As my husband observed, not all schools in America look like jails, but many of them do resemble institutions for mini-adults, rather than kids.
While we can’t change the American school system quickly, we can make sure that our children’s home environment is full of coziness and opportunities for relaxation. Open windows, gentle lights, warm colors, soft blankets and hiding nooks don’t cost a lot and can give your child that sense of comfort he or she isn’t likely to get in school.
“Being cozy makes you feel safe,” my husband explains.
“If you surround your kids with warmth and comfort, and not grey walls, they’ll get the message that the world is a safe place,” he concludes.
Take them outside
In Danish kindergartens and schools, children spend a lot, if not all, of their time outside, in any weather, both playing and studying. Forest schools, where children’s entire study is conducted in a forest, originated in Denmark and are now quickly gaining traction around the world.
While not much can be done to take the lessons, or at least play, outside in any weather in American schools, there are many opportunities to increase our kids’ outdoor time. After all, fresh air is the best, and cheapest, way to improve moods and overall productivity in children.
“Do yourself a favor and kick your kids out for a couple of hours a day, especially when it’s cold. It’s good for their brains and their bodies,” my husband concludes.
Most of the things on my husband’s list don’t cost a dime, yet can develop lifelong healthy habits in our children.
What does everyone else think?
I’m not a parent, but I’ve often said to my husband that Denmark seems like a great place to have a kid AND to be a kid. Kids have so much independence and security here. It’s wonderful.